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Blog #8


U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security

By Captain Garbarrassing | April 10, 2008

We are here today to discuss the current intelligence (or should I say lack thereof) found within the US Dept. of Homeland Security. Did you know that before the WTC fell on September 11, 2001 there was no US Department of Homeland Security? That is because before this day, the actual security work was being done by actual intelligent people - mainly the CIA. Unfortunately, the fun-loving, mentally-challenged president decided this just wasn't working anymore. So he appointed other extremely responsible, knowledgeable, and artistically creative people to the Department of Homeland Security. Right. Let's go with that. And what did Little Georgie's responsible, knowledgable group do? They announced their plans to create "comprehensive and effective means to disseminate information regarding the risk of terrorist acts." In plain Enlgish: a way to warn people of terrorist attacks. The truth is, this was also another way to tell the public how shitty our government is at stopping people from attacking us because of shitty things our government does all over the world on a daily basis. Juuust fantastic. Now let's look at this "comprehensive and effective" system these people, who work for the government, came up with. WOW! A PICTURE CHART!!! Folks, I think we have reached a new level of garbarrassment. It's actually borderline Unsatisfactagarbarrassing minus (see ratings explained for a definition)

First of all, it's truly wonderful that our nation is retarded enough to code our level of "security" by colors. But let's break this down a little more.

To begin, each level has a description under it in case you were unsure of what the color and name meant. For example, "LOW" says "Low level of terrorist attacks," "HIGH" says, "High level of terrorist attacks," and so on. As you can see, these descriptions are there for those who are severely mentally challenged. So why else is this chart absolutely retarded? Well, when is the last time we have actually been at the levels "LOW" or "GUARDED" since 9/11??? Well my friends, the answer is never. Those levels actually have no reason to exist, because if we do ever happen to reach them, no one would show or look at this disgrace of a warning system because NO ONE WOULD CARE.

Moving on, "ELEVATED" - What is this, a chart for how you feel after smoking 2 joints?? You must be joking. Elevated, is then followed by "HIGH." Now the description under each are, significant and high risk of terrorist attacks. Wait a minute, does this mean that these levels mean the same exact thing? I think so.

Moving on, we have "SEVERE" - We usually reach this level on the day an attack occurs, or is supposed to occur. Guess what Homeland Security, I think the public understands damn well when were having a severe terrorist threat. Your color coded piece of shit explanation for where our money has been going is absolutely unsatifactory.

Basically, after spending billions of dollars, all we have is a nice little 2-square-inch laminated color-coded chart for all our three year old Americans. Amazing. Well has decided to team up with CRAYOLA to counter with a chart of our own. Pictured below, how garbarrassing is the Dept of Homeland Security? We pick somewhere between Purple Pizazz and Granny Smith Apple. F fucking minus.

-Goodbye from Captain Garbarrassing.

PS: Oh and another proven success of the Dept of Homeland Security was the National Incident Management System (NIMS)...developed to coordinate emergency response for domestic incidents. This was especially effective during the Hurrican Katrina disaster when they revealed the NIMS objectives.


What are you still reading for? There weren't any.

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#4 - Emily34Burks - 09/11/2011 - 12:15
Homeland Insecurity
What is truly garbarrassing about the U.S. Department of Homeland Security is that Francis Townsend, The most recent Homeland Security advisor to the President, chaired the Homeland Security Council from Late May 2004 until Nov. 19, 2007, when she resigned.

Since then, nearly 5 months have passed.

Her position is currently vacant.

Who is going to change the threat level the next time we are attacked??

#3 - J. Blog - 04/15/2008 - 20:18
Operation Garbarrassing
Frank Figueroa was another member of Homeland Security. Before that he was head of Operation Predator. Then he was arrested for operation Sex Predator.

The victim, a 16-year-old girl, said Frank Figueroa pulled up a leg of his shorts, exposed himself and masturbated for about 10 minutes.
#2 - Condaleeza Minus - 04/11/2008 - 10:15
Brian Doyle is garbarrassing
The deputy press secretary of the Department of Homeland Security resigned because he was arrested for trying to send porn pictures to someone he thought was a minor. Turned out to be a cop.
#1 - Donald Rumpelballs - 04/11/2008 - 10:12
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